( this post is kind of all over the place, sort of how my whole life feels right now, I'm all over the place)
This summer I decided that taking summer classes would be a great way for me to get a little bit ahead in my major. As you know, I'm going into math education, and it's a lot of work. I sometimes forget why I'm wasting my time with such a hard major, when I know that I won't make much, and hopefully wont have to work much if I can find a husband to provide for my family, so I can stay home and raise the family I've always wanted.
An education is very important to me. All my life, I've been told that besides family and the gospel, a good education is the most important thing to have. Knowing that the future has many surprises in store for me, I know I can't completely rely on a loving husband to provide financially, although I'm hoping my husband will be able to do that, who knows what could happen years down the road. I've always been a pretty independent person when it comes to things like that. I started working as a dishwasher when I was 15, and hated every minute of it. I worked there for 4 years, and as time went on, I received promotions and raises, and ended up really loving working there.
Along with my independent side, I also have this "dependence" on others, if you want to call it that. But more than a dependence its a strong desire to be able to depend on people. I'm well aware that the reason we aren't put on this earth by ourselves is because we need each other. Families are here to offer support and help and guidance, they are in a way our personal angels, that know us and love us and want us to succeed. The love that I have for someone comes with this really strong trust in them as well. I have amazing friends and family, whom I love and trust. I love being able to trust someone, because that trust comes with the knowledge that they love me too. Feeling so loved, and loving others gives me an amazing strength. It's the people around me, that I love, that have such high hopes for me, which drives me to be a better person.
It's scary for me when someone I love leaves me. It's another brick added to the wall I build to shut people out. Losing the love of someone you love hurts more than anything, The wall in ways is there to shut people out, letting more people in= more people to love= more people to leave you, and break you. It's a protection. A shield. In another way, its a little obstacle for those that really care, the ones willing to climb over, or break through that wall to be a part of me, and my life. ( I have cynical moments). I'm hoping that the wall I slowly build doesn't shut out the ones I need in my life, but invites them as a challenge. :)
This break-up has been so weird for me. I miss him so much and still love and care for him. I miss his family and his smiles, and goofy jokes, and everything about him. But oddly enough, I'm ok. I've never loved someone more in my life, you'd think it would wreck me, but it hasn't. Every important person in your life has valuable things to teach you, I know I've learned so much from him. I've grown emotionally, intellectually, and mostly spiritually. The growth that I experienced with him, in way prepared me to be away from him. With out the spiritual knowledge that i gained while with him, I don't think I'd be the happy girl that I am right now.
Proverbs 3:5-6 says, "Trust in the lord with all thy heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
I've gained monumental more trust in the lord, and I see him directing my paths. I still feel like I'm Dorothy on the yellow brick road, I don't know how the yellow brick road is going to get me to my eternal family, but I know it will, and I'm going to follow it like its an IRON ROD. I'll get there, I know it. I'm happy, a little guarded right now, but happy nonetheless.
Welcome to a little tine part of the millions of things I have going on in my brain.
